The Right of Way June 15, 2006 – Posted in: Aberrant Normalcy

Hoboken Next?In the famous Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles,” Dr. McCoy explains to Kirk that, as far as he can tell, the little furry creatures are born pregnant. I’ve begun to feel the same way about Hoboken women. In the past year or so, there has been an explosion in the number of women pushing baby carriages around the streets.

They are everywhere, and it’s freaking me out.

They are at the coffee shop where I hang out, blocking the doorway, the aisles, the yard. They are at the park where I walk through everyday, pushing one, two, three babies at a time. They crowd inside Panera bread and outside the Symposia bookstore like flocks of feral pigeons. Some of them are pregnant.

And they demand the right of way.

If you are walking down the street and minding your own business, and they see that there is a sidewalk ramp before you, it is of course okay for them to swerve right in front of you, cutting you off, just so they can go down the ramp without pausing. And after cutting you off, the “sorry” is optional, because, after all, they own the street. (Our children come first, right?)

When there is a doorway, remember that they, by default, do not have to yield to you who has reached the door before them. They also, upon reaching the threshold of the door, do not have to continue through the doorway. It is okay if they pause and determine if in fact they really wanted to go through the door after all.

It is also okay to let your baby cry and run around hysterically. Don’t worry, we all love and think it’s very cute how she shrieks constantly and cries for one hour straight while you do nothing but sit demurely and stare blankly at the wall. After all, all kids cry, right? We know all your nurturing and attention is doing wonders for her later emotional health.

We also love your $1000 baby carriages which are bigger than some SUVs and have spaces and pockets and perhaps wings to fly with, and my god, how many children does that contraption hold? Just one? Does it come with a DVD player and air conditioning?

And we also love how you pop out seven children at a time, but are too busy with your 75 hour a week job in the financial district to take care of them and so you hire someone who might not be legal in the US to cart their crying behinds around all day, because you must provide for her education and you must have that four story brownstone and that summer house at the shore and therefore it’s wonderful that you are really there for your kids.

So please, next time you cross in front of me with your child in carriage I will dutifully let you pass. It is, after all, your right of way.