An Open Letter to New York Holiday Shoppers December 8, 2007 – Posted in: Aberrant Normalcy

Dear Pedestrian Shopper,

Please note that, while you gawk at the tall buildings and meander down the sidewalk carrying giant bags of material goods, others are struggling to get around you to get their places of employment. As advice for you in the future, I suggest you adhere to these four simple rules when visiting New York:

1) Do not congregate on street corners. Corners are, in case you haven’t heard, places where people move from one place to another. Perhaps where you are from, corners are places where all seventeen of you, in your oversized winter coats and dozens of shopping bags, can nest. In New York, on the other hand, behavior like this can get you mugged.

2) Escalators and the top of stairs are not places to stop. Never, ever, not ever, please don’t ever stop at the top of the stairs. I don’t care if you’re lost, confused, having an attack of epilepsy. People are still behind you. Did you hear me? People are behind you! Did I say not ever?

3) Ditto that for sidewalks. Please don’t act surprised when I elbow you in your back.

4) Move fast, or get out of the way. No, this isn’t a leadership catch-phrase. It’s a simple fact in a city with eight million people. We walk fast because it’s the only way to get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. Now, you may not be in a hurry. We understand that. You have the day off from work and you’re taking your time strolling from one brightly-lit corporate storefront to another. Fine. Please enjoy your stay. Take pictures of the Christmas Tree, visit Macy’s, have some hot chocolate. However, please remember that there are others who live and work in the city who are trying to get somewhere, and your tortoise-like gait just isn’t cutting it. Kindly move yourself and your shopping bags to the side.

The root problem is this: you, in your suburban life, are not accustomed to being in a place with millions of people. It’s understandable that you make mistakes. Therefore, I provide these rules for your edification and to prevent unnecessary violence. I hope that by following these rules that I can help make your stay in New York as enjoyable (and anger-free) as possible. Have a nice day (and get out of the way)!

Sincerely,
Matt