Matt’s Smorgasbord of Absurd and Useless Signs July 26, 2006 – Posted in: Aberrant Normalcy

I found this message, “Diabetic Driver,” stickered on a car parked in front of my house yesterday and wondered what it hoped to convey to other drivers. (Other drivers who aren’t half-blind or faint from dangerously low insulin.)

Pointing to rear of car after ten car pile-up,“Didn’t you read my bumper?”

This sign reads, “Watch Your Step,” and was positioned, as evidenced by the photo, at foot level (i.e. on the actual stairs), right where the wall paneling meets the floor. You can glimpse the sign only if you are already looking in the general direction of your feet. Also, bending down to read this sign places you in jeopardy on the stairs because you have to turn sideways to read it on the second step. A better (and somewhat post-modern) sign might read, “Watching your step.” Yes. Yes, I am.

Occasionally I buy my food at the health food store. They have a dearth of selection when it comes to breads, and needing hot dog buns I was forced to purchase “Ezekiel 4:9” hot dog buns. (Yes, there is such a thing.) Notwithstanding if Ezekiel had reprocessed meat by-products in mind when he wrote his inspired words, the packaging nevertheless quotes him boldy, saying, “Take unto thee WHEAT and BARLEY and BEANS and LENTILS and MILLET and SPELT and put them in one vessel and make bread of it…” But the next verse was conspicuously left out from said packaging: “…three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.” Ezekiel, I suppose, wasn’t counting his carbs.