You Know You Are Going to Hell If… June 22, 2006 – Posted in: Aberrant Normalcy

Candy Cigarettes - Just What the Pediatrician Ordered!…you market candy cigarettes to kids.  I was walking down the street next to Hoboken’s Church Square Park when I noticed these two white cartons on the sidewalk (see image).  I think I understand the salesman’s logic: get kids to associate the pack of cigarettes (replete with real names of cigarette brands, Lucky Strike, and Victory, e.g.) with joy.  After all, every kid loves candy, right?

I remember we used to buy candy cigarettes in Florida when I went to visit my grandfather.  The “cigarettes” were really long tubes of chewable gum wrapped in paper, and if you puffed on them a bit of powdered sugar blew out the other end, simulating smoke (you could only get one good puff).  But one day we couldn’t buy these “fun” cigarettes anymore and my little brain was very upset at the whole ordeal.  Later, when the greater significance dawned on my less-naive mind, I assumed that candy cigarettes weren’t available anymore because of their obvious attempt to addict children.  But no!

This is only candy. No need to worry.Across the country politicians are wining about second-hand smoke and passing Draconian laws that prevent people from smoking inside private restaurants and bars, meanwhile a company called World Confections, Inc. (Brooklyn, NY 11232, website mysteriously under construction) is underhandedly working, no doubt with a little kick from the tobacco industry, to get our kids hooked at a young age.

And — this truly happened — as I picked up the candy packs from the pavement and examined them in my hands a young man nearby looked oddly in my direction and lifted a small white box to his lips.  I saw that the white tube now jutting from his mouth was not made of gum at all.  I wondered if his fetish began as a child while blowing bits of powdered sugar into the air with joy.